I’ve been experiencing mental health symptoms for a few years. By now you’d assume that I am able to notice when my mental is declining, but to be honest I still struggle with that. When I feel anxious I feel disconnected from myself and from reality. Everything moves so quickly and I can barely catch my breath. I can’t even hear my body trying to communicate with me.
But my body ALWAYS let’s me know when I’ve been doing too much and not taking proper care of myself. My symptoms usually start off light and progress into something much more severe. Here’s my anxiety blueprint.
It starts with an increase in energy (which I later recognized was adrenaline). It feels good! I’m on top of my work and most importantly I feel like I’m in control. Then I start losing sleep or not feeling the need to take breaks. Not such a big deal.
Next, I lose my appetite… From there, the combination of stress and lack of eating locks my bowels like a high security prison. I get a series of awful stomach aches.
After a few days of that, the migraines start. I usually take some medicine I got from my doctor and keep it pushing. They’re typical for me at this point. I truly do believe that my constant anxiety is the cause for my chronic migraines.
Next comes the worst part. The muscle and joint pain. My body aches with every movement I make. Sitting hurts, walking hurts, everything just hurts. This is usually the point that I begin to recognize that something is wrong. But it almost always feels too late to stop it. It feels equivalent to standing in front of a moving train and trying to stop it with my bare hands.. Not going to happen.
After this, it almost seems as if my body has given up on me. My bones plead with me. Begging me to please slow down. My heart feels tired, as if it’s been working the graveyard shift every night for the past two weeks (I mean technically it has). The space on my back, where my kidney’s are, becomes sensitive to the touch. It’s as if one more anxiety attack could make them snap off from their bases. All of the intricate pieces of my body work together as one, creating a sensation that is impossible to ignore. The only way I can describe it is by comparing it to the flu, and the only way to cure this sickness is by nurturing myself. It makes me feel so weak, but it’s what I have to do. This usually results in canceling plans, sleeping through the days and binge eating as much food as I can.
I feel so stupid… I should be able to catch my symptoms when they first occur. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, but I feel frustrated instead. I remind myself that my body communicates with me in a language that I have never spoken before. I’ve spent my whole life with my body, but I’ve never taken the time to get to know it. It will take time for us to become acquainted with each other.
I’d like to apologize to my poor body that I treat so badly, but I’m not quite sure how.
Until next time,
Kendall J 💗
I like this post. It is REAL. I appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to learn your body and your signals. It’s hard for us, as people, to stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us because we have “so much to do”, but I admire you for bringing your struggles to the forefront.
Keep doing what you’re doing!